How to Handle Criticisms That Hurt You and Degrade Your Self-Esteem

Hurtful criticisms are like arrows that pierce us just where we’re most vulnerable. If given by people closest to us, they hurt even deeper and echo at the back of our minds long after they’ve been said. What must we do to handle criticisms that hurt us and degrade our self-esteem?

 

1. Understand that not everything that people say against you is really about you. Oftentimes, it is more about themselves.

If you are familiar with the Bible story about Martha and Mary, you may recall how Martha criticized the action of her sister:

 As they went on their way, he entered into a certain village, and a certain woman named Martha received him into her house.  She had a sister called Mary, who also sat at Jesus’ feet, and heard his word.  But Martha was distracted with much serving, and she came up to him, and said, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister left me to serve alone? Ask her therefore to help me.”

Jesus answered her, “Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things,  but one thing is needed. Mary has chosen the good part, which will not be taken away from her.”–Luke 10:38-42 (WEB)

It wasn’t because Mary was sitting at the feet of Jesus that Martha criticized her. It was because Martha was “anxious and troubled about many things”. Martha was afraid she will not be able to meet the expectations of Jesus and the disciples. Martha was also frustrated that even if she is already exerting so much effort in what she’s doing, nobody notices her efforts, not even Jesus! Maybe if Jesus just showed up where she was working and praised her for all she has done, Martha wouldn’t have asked for her sister’s help at all. She would have been satisfied claiming all the credits for herself! But that’s not the way it happened. She received no praise nor reward, and it was Mary who got the attention of Jesus by sitting and listening at his feet!

Imagine however how Mary must have felt when Martha criticized her infront of Jesus and all the disciples. Imagine hearing these words, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister left me to serve alone? Ask her therefore to help me.”  Martha not only demanded that you help her, you have just been reported to Jesus Himself! If you were Mary, some other words might have also echoed at the back of your mind, words like: how lazy and uncaring a sister you’ve been, how worthless and unreliable you are, or even how unworthy you are to even deserve to be in the presence of Jesus.

The truth stands however, as affirmed by Jesus Himself, that Martha’s criticism of Mary is not a reflection of Mary’s deficiencies, but of Martha’s own problems and concerns.

We don't see things as THEY ARE, we see things as WE ARE. - Anais Nin

 

2. Remember that not all people filter out what they say and really mean what they say.

Not everyone is concerned about what they’re saying or even how they’re saying it. Not all people think first before saying something. As a result, they may say things that hurt other people, things they would later on regret or want to take back.

People are also not always concerned about how they may affect the feelings of other people. They think about themselves most of the time and may rarely have you in their agenda.

As such, remember to not always take things personally. People don’t always intend to cause you harm.

"There is one who speaks rashly like the piercing of a sword, but the tongue of the wise heals."- Proverbs 12:18 (WEB)

 

3. Learn to forgive others

No matter how people may try to be careful with the words they’re saying, there would come a time when they’d say things that won’t sound pleasant at all, or even hurting to those around them. Nobody’s perfect, nobody’s able to do the right thing all the time. This is where forgiveness should come in. We should remember our human nature and our flaws, and learn how to move on from there.

I arise from the ashes of doubt, of depression and of
self-pity. I arise a new being -
strong, confident, beautiful and without limits!

 4. Learn to identify what’s true and what is not about what is being said

There are some criticisms that could help us improve ourselves and see our blindspots. Our problem is that many of these criticisms contain other remarks that hurt us or are not always true. And because we are hurt, we try to disregard everything that’s been said. We must learn to identify the things that could help us improve ourselves and leave behind those things which have no basis at all.

I am no less of a person by flaws that you see in me;
I am no lesser for I am not those flaws. I know who I am,
my flaws and my strengths,
and there is no better person who can handle me but me.

 

5. Know that even at your worst day, God still accepts you and loves you as you are

There are some criticisms that hurt us because they contain some semblance of truth about our deficiencies and flaws, things we may be ashamed of or things that we’d rather not reveal for fear of not being accepted and loved.

Know that even at your very worst, God still loves you. His mercy and grace is greater than all your mistakes and deficiencies. His love for you is greater than all the weaknesses you see in yourself.

God does not take us only when we are lovable,
but moreso when we are most in need of love.

 

6. Know that you have the power to change and to be the best of who you are

Some criticisms seem to tell us how weak we are, as though we’re going to be like that forever. Remember that this is not true! Know that nobody needs to be stuck in their past forever. We can all move on and do something to steer our lives around for the better.

Have you seen a seed? Was it at all that attractive to you?
Wait awhile and see that seed grow. See it bear fruit,
see its flowers bloom. See? I've caught you by surprise!
I have just astounded you.

 

7. Know that you can discover and change your self-talk

There are some criticisms that trigger more hurtful thoughts within us, deeper wounds that have not yet been healed. The reason why some people seem to over-react to certain criticisms is because they are reacting to a far deeper pain, a pain triggered by the criticism just given.

We can discover these wounds by listening to our self-talk whenever we are being criticized. When somebody points out your mistake or says anything bad against you, what are you really hearing?

• I’m rejected, no one really loves me as I am.
• I’m worthless, no one appreciates the things I can do.
• I am being forced to do something against my will.
• A lot is being demanded of me whereas I couldn’t ask for enough help when I need it.
• I’m unprotected; anyone can just boss me around because no one is there to defend me.

Why are you hearing those words? Is it possible to replace them with other thoughts that are more supportive of your self-esteem?

• Instead of saying you’re rejected , say, “God loves me and accepts me as I am, even at my worst day, even if I did the gravest sins. His love for me is greater than all my weaknesses. He never rejects anyone who comes to Him.”

• Instead of saying you’re worthless, say, “God values me. Jesus died on the cross just to give me eternal life and happiness. “

God loves me, unconditionally. And for me,
He leaves the 99 sheep behind so He can find me
and make me realize just how much I matter,
just how much I am loved.

• Instead of saying, you are being forced to do something, say, “God has given me freewill. Nobody can force me to do anything against my will.”

• Instead of saying, you couldn’t ask for help, say, “Help will come when I need it. I need not always do things on my own, for God’s help is always there for the taking. I only need to receive by faith what is being given me.”

Heaven is knowing deep in your soul how you were
conceived and how you were bathed in loved. It is tapping
unto the endless reserve of mercy and grace when shadows
come looming over you. It is knowing that however great
the challenges ahead seem to be,
there is a Higher Power that will see you through.

• Instead of saying you’re unprotected, say, “God is making me stronger everyday to face the challenges coming my way. Where I am not strong enough, God will be my Defender against all those who want to cause me harm.”

There was a time when I couldn't forgive myself,
that time when the burden of guilt was multiplied a hundred
times more by the world that knew nothing but condemn
those who are already down. But now is not that time,
for it has long come to pass. Now is the time of acceptance,
of love, and of believing in myself despite whatever
accusations others may try to pass against me.

HEAL YOUR SELF ESTEEM

To say that our self-esteem is low is to compare it to something higher.  But to be able to attain that higher degree could only mean that there is still something beyond that.  How high is high enough?  How much increase is really necessary?  In truth, it is not an increase in self esteem that we should aim for, but a complete healing of our wounded sense of self worth.

You Need To Rebuild From The Ground Up

Before we could attain true healing, we must first recognize our wounds. Before we could rebuild our sense of worth, we must first acknowledge how broken it really is.

Where is your self esteem founded? How firm is that foundation from which it is currently built?

Are you confident because you are beautiful? But what if you mingle among others who are more beautiful than you?  And for how long will you stay that way?  What happens when you grow old and that beauty fades?

Are you secure with your success? What if the business or the reputation you’ve built suddenly falls?  What are you worth by then?  For how long could you hold on to your riches?  Can you still enjoy any of it as your body rots in the grave?

All our efforts of increasing our self esteem is futile for in the end, all such efforts lead only to fear, the fear of losing everything we have ever gained.

There Is a Different Way to Heal

The healing of our wounds can no longer depend on the external actions we take such as working harder, eating healthier, or studying longer hours.  The only way to healing is to be healed from within because our wounds are not wounds of the body, but of the soul.

Deep in one’s soul, we feel a great emptiness and uncertainty.  We feel compelled to measure up to the standards of other people while at the same time, not being able to measure up to our own sense of wholeness.

We try to be strong, yet it seems we could never be strong enough.  We even try to be good, but we could never be holy enough.  We are always followed by our sense of shame, and so we hide ourselves with masks of perfection and of beauty.   Beyond that mask however, we feel inadequate, and we feel tired of trying over and over again.

How We Could Achieve Healing

Healing begins when we STOP our frantic efforts to keep up with others.  Healing begins when we are able to face our worst pictures of ourselves and still believe that we are worth something.

What are you worth?

You are worth more than you ever thought yourself to be.  You are worth more than your body or your intelligence or your strength.  You are worth more than your success and your riches.  These things are given you but they are not the essence of who you are.

Your real worth is your likeness to God Himself. It is that spark which came from ancient times, that breath which made you think and move and love.

Because you can be a vessel of God’s joy, you are worth something.  Because you can be an object of His love, you are worth so much more than all the stars combined.

Your worth is not in what you possess, but in Him who possesses you.

Your worth is not in how you can cover up your imperfections, but in how God can make you perfect by receiving all that He could ever give to you.

Only in losing everything can you realize how broken you are.  Only in being broken can you be healed by knowing how valuable you are to the only One who can heal you.

Below are common areas of our self esteem’s woundedness.  Let us try to find their healing by bringing them to the light of God’s love for us.

Common Areas of Our Woundedness

1. Beauty

Even the most beautiful among us will grow old someday.  The beauty that we envy now is but a fleeting joy.  Others are not more worthy to be loved just because they are beautiful.  We become beautiful because of God’s great love for us.

2. Intelligence

Our intellect, no matter how advanced it may be is nothing as compared with the minds of angels.  And angels, no matter how great their wisdom may be is nothing as compared to the depths of God’s wisdom.  God can grant us an insight we could never find in all the books of the world, but this is not the reason why we should feel more worthy or less worthy in His Presence.

3. Strength

We have but a limited time on earth. The healthiest and the strongest among us cannot even live for two centuries.  To base our worth with our physical strength is to look down on people just because they are disabled or sick or dying.  Every man has God’s dignity in him no matter his physical strength.

4. Wealth/Success

The material things we own will someday rot and decay.  Nothing can last forever except God’s love.  Wealth does not indicate that one man is better than the other for we know not where such wealth has come from.  One man may be silently accomplishing God’s will in His life and reaping eternal fruits that have not yet been revealed in the current time.

5. Social Skills

Other people may be better at mingling in social events and in communicating with other people.  They appear attractive, they attract the admiration of many.  But not everyone who is praised is really good.  Many are even criticized for standing up for the truth.   There are people who are not adept at socializing with other men, but in their silent prayers, they can reach God’s Presence, and in this, they can find their joy.

6. Talent

What is talent?  It is but a gift from God, and for this, no one should boast.  Each one is given a unique gift for in truth, we are God’s wonderful gift to each other.  Let each one mind his own and improve the gift he is given.

7. Goodness/ Holiness

Only God is good.  No person is really holy no matter how good he or she appears to be.  If we had no need to be saved from ourselves, Jesus wouldn’t have died for us all.  Let none boast therefore that he is kinder or braver or more patient.  We do not earn God’s love with our goodness.  We become good because God has guided us patiently towards the path of His goodness.  All that we can offer God is our gratitude for all the MERCY that we have been given.

TYPES OF PERSONALITIES

●  TYPE A PERSONALITY
Type A people are seen as more competitive, great achievers and tend to develop a high sense of urgency towards their work. It is because of these traits that they are always busy and remain at the top of their game.

Sometimes, however, they start feeling insecure and subsequently become adamant and resistant to change. They even end up fighting such circumstances rather than embracing or adapting to them.

In order to stride towards the desired goal, they work hard towards achievements and that too, as fast as possible. In doing so, they fight their insecurities rather than ignoring them completely.

Type A people do not relax or take their work for granted; even if they do, they tend to feel guilty for the same.

Type A personalities are over achievers and they deal with various unrelated subjects and perform well in everything.

The problem that these personalities face is that they are stressed frequently due to the number of tasks they undertake. Their expectations of perfection from other people also add to the stress.

These people are highly competitive and possess an aggressive challenging spirit.

Such people are generally ideal for sports, finance and any job that offers ample growth and requires focused efforts. They aren't really cut out for teamwork; they perform best alone.

CHARACTERISTICS OF TYPE 'A' PERSONALITY

Time or Time Urgency
• This is an extremely important part of a Type A personality because their work and activities completely depend on time.
• They hate being late under any circumstances. Traffic signals or any sort of queue irritates them and they consider it a waste of time. Interrupting people is a common trait too.
• They set deadlines and standards for themselves that they need to meet before moving forward.
• They work hard towards achieving any goal put in front of them and will not be told what to do.

Emotions or Free Floating Hostility
• Showing impatience, being rude and aggressive at people are some of the most obvious features.
• Getting upset over small matters and showing anger over trivial matters is also seen.
• Adapting to change is not one of their strongest points. Also, if they are upset or dislike the place or company they are with, the dislike would be clearly visible on their face.

Money
• Money doesn't buy happiness - but in the case of a Type A person, it does. For them, money buys everything including relationships.
• Money signifies power and security and this is how they would like to show it.
• They also make mental notes of everything that is money related - such as on what to spend, how to spend and on how much to spend!

Relationships
Type A people always have a superficial relationship with most others. Work is most important to them. If that is done, then there is no need to interact or be nice to others!
• They have high expectations and demands from most people and thus never seem to get along with them.
• Superiority complex is what makes them stand apart from the rest. They never enjoy any body's company because of this and are always seen shying away from a big crowd and society as such.

Physical Characteristics
Tight lips, clenched jaws and obvious facial tension.
Grinding of teeth and clicking of the tongue
Dark circles under the eyes due to lack of sleep (probably due to stress!)
Sweating on the forehead and upper lip.

Consequences Of Type A Personalities
• Heart diseases
• Hypertension
• Job Stress
• Social Isolation

●   TYPE B PERSONALITY

This type of personality is considered to be just opposite to that of type A.

Though they are not as competitive as type A, type B personalities can be better achievers and do not get stressed easily.

They tend to approach problems with a more relaxed and laid back point of view.

There is a tendency in these personalities to delay work and give results at the eleventh hour. Obviously, procrastination is quite the mantra for type B people while that is one thing that type A subjects cannot even think of.

These personalities are not in a hurry to finish work and do not have a sense of urgency all the time. They work at their own sweet pace and deliver appreciable results too.

Type B people like relaxing and they don't mind taking time off from work to sit idle and/or daydream.

Such people are ideal for marketing, sales and any job that comes with targets and semi-flexible deadlines and involves people interaction.

CHARACTERISTICS OF TYPE 'B PERSONALITY

Stress Handling
The Type B people usually do not get stressed easily even under acute circumstances. They are the happy-go-lucky individuals who do not entertain stress and anxiety while doing their tasks. However, they still prove to be fairly productive. They remain carefree and cheerful most of the times and are fun to hang around with.

Lack Of Urgency
These people do not mind waiting in queues for getting their work done and do not get hyper if it takes too much time. They do not feel any sort of compulsion to meet deadlines. They have got no problems relaxing or sitting without doing anything unlike Type A individuals, who end up feeling guilty if they sat without doing anything constructive. At times, Type B individuals may delay their work to the last moment due to lack of sense of time urgency.

Relaxed
These are the people who remain calm and relaxed most of the times. They believe in taking their time to stop and smell the roses instead of running the mad rat race. They take time to think and ponder before acting. Relaxation, enjoyment and fun come very naturally to them.

Less Competitive
Type B personalities are less competitive and their competitiveness is often productive with good intentions. They generally take their failures with a grain of salt and slough it off as merely an unpleasant experience. On the other hand, Type A individuals who are generally over-achievers, find it very hard to accept failures and end up developing low self-esteem.

Patient
Patience is a virtue and Type Bs are born with it. They remain calm and patient even under stressful situations and have a lot of self-control. They are less likely to get frantic about things and generally swear by the old adage of 'Slow and steady wins the race'. They are also very tolerant and flexible and can change in order to adapt to changes. You would hardly find them complaining or lamenting about anything.

Non-aggressive
These individuals rarely tend to be aggressive or frustrated. Even if there's something against their will, they are not prone to lose their temper. They are more likely to handle the situation very subtly and patiently, without getting irked. They are hence said to have lesser chances of getting any heart diseases or complications caused due to stress.

Socializing And Enjoying
Type B personalities are normally laid back people who hold a relaxed, creative, imaginative, artistic and friendly approach towards life. They spend their free time in leisure activities like socializing, shopping or having a good time. Due to their cheerful nature, these folks are surrounded by friends and lead a good social life.

Emotional Bonding
Their heart rules their head and hence they are very emotional and sensitive. They like expressing their feelings and are generally not indifferent towards others.

●   TYPE 'C' PERSONALITY

People who belong to this category are more interested to know the minute details of everything and don't mind spending time trying to figure them out.

These types of people are more suitable for technical jobs.

They know very well to control their emotions and desire even in cases of extreme discomfort and that makes them ideal for teamwork.

The problem with this type is mostly lack of confidence that leads to stress and even depression. Type C personalities are more prone to depression than the other types.

The people who belong to these personality traits are thoughtful and deep thinkers and seek answers for the questions as to what, why and how.

They are more patient but find trouble expressing their emotions openly and hence, tend to be introverts.

They have an inherent ability to please people around them.

Type C personalities are prone to diseases such as asthma, lupus and rheumatoid arthritis.

They are best suited for technical and back end jobs that require high caliber without much interaction.

●   TYPE 'D' PERSONALITY

The 'D' in the type D personality stands for distressed as such people tend to develop a pessimistic and negative outlook towards life.

They fear rejection which is the reason why they tend to deflect social life despite their interest to be among people.

They are sensitive and even a small event that the type B's won't even notice, can trigger a typical type D day.

They can easily suppress their emotions and are very vulnerable and easily depressed.

People with Type D traits are characterized as irritable, gloomy and worrisome. They do not share their emotions with others and this tendency increases their depressing attitude towards life.

They are not very adventurous and prefer the same routine; they are resistant to change and are not very adjustable with people and circumstances.

Such people often suffer from heart related problems and stress and are susceptible to coronary diseases.

These people are generally seen as boring and have very limited social life. 

OVERCOME PUBLIC SPEAKING ANXIETY

Erase The Preconceived Notions
People typically associate the task of public speaking with stress! This is absolutely untrue! Public speaking is only stressful if you allow it to be! Ironically, if you shake off this incorrect belief, public speaking can be a very enjoyable and invigorating experience for you. Try to dig out the hidden cause for your fear, diagnose it and say hello to a new fun hobby! Knock off the fear of public humiliation! You're overreacting! It's purely psychological. Stage fright can be curbed with a smooth build up of self-confidence. The best way to start that process is by facing reality and accepting that public speaking is not as difficult as you once thought!

Capitalize On Three Good Points
Stumble upon three relevant points and you're ready to nail it. In other words, you have good potential to set the stage on fire! Maintain a calm and composed demeanor! You don't have to be the funniest or smartest orator on the planet to receive a round of applause. Even if you make a couple of mistakes, skip a few important portions of your speech and pause for a minute, you haven't necessarily failed! Stop focusing so much on your performance, it's the value of the content effused that matters most. As long as audiences have something valuable to take back home (or with a smile on their faces), you will be remembered positively. Bear in mind that heaps of inconsequential facts does not augment your orator status. Stick to two or three clever points and render your speech interesting and genuine. Stress on one key point if you strongly believe in it. Diminish the number of quick notes and let words flow straight from the heart to the tip of your tongue!
Avoid silly complexities for you will end up boring the crowd.

Prepare But Don't Over-Prepare
Preparation is essential. More importantly, prepare well in advance and not overnight for anxiety will double and the outcome will be messy. Practice does indeed make a man perfect but never overdo it. A speech turns superficial when planned too far ahead. It should be natural! In fact, the more effort you put into it, the worse might be your performance. So, don't over-prepare! Relax and take a deep breath! Just rehearse once and revise the key points along with a few good examples. Memorizing a speech verbatim only ruins the authenticity of a speech and implies that you don't have a firm grasp over the subject. Try not to script the speech! Gain self confidence and you will soon begin to respect the natural public speaker hidden deep down inside of you.

Select A Topic That Interests You
It will make all the difference if you chose a topic that you feel strongly passionate about! You will feel excited to research the topic and make the overall speech as interesting as possible. As you immerse your heart into it, you will notice your phobia slip away. Even when you have no choice but to resort to a lackluster topic, you could make alterations to the technique or approach of speech making. For example, make a colorful PowerPoint presentation or screen a funny video! The surging enthusiasm will tranquilize the goosebumps.

Be Humble, If Not Humorous
While adding a glint of humor to your speech would earn you brownie points, it's not mandatory. It is important to discover your style of speaking and work on improving that. However, it is important to maintain a fine sense of humility throughout your speech. When you stand up in front of the masses, share some of your weaknesses and frailties. This highlights your image as a credible, respectable and lovable speaker. Audiences will be able to connect with you and respect your honesty. If at all, humility isn't your style, don't feign it! The pretense of acting humble is easily detectable and this will trample your image in no time! You could hence make up for it by capitalizing on your good sense of humor! After all, who doesn't enjoy a good hearty laugh! Start with a joke or narrate a bunch of anecdotes, just don't digress from the actual topic.

Don't Let Hecklers Get To You!
Hecklers are all over the place and most of the time, they do a pretty good job at tormenting speech makers! However, it is in your best interest that you master the art of turning a deaf ear to such obstacles or counter-attack their witty statements with a wittier one. This most definitely helps you overcome all fears. But if you are still battling with glossophobia, then you should try your best and ignore those silly sadists or respond with an "I really appreciate your comment".

Visualize Success
Elite athletes rely on the technique of visualization to enhance their athletic performance. Every time you rehearse your speech, visualize your audience being amazed by your oratory skills! It is best to believe in yourself and that you are conveying solution for a very strong ground-breaking problem. Hence, your audiences ought to be impressed. Hear the cacophony of thousand claps and "wows" every time you emphasize on the last sentence of your speech! Boost your confidence!